Introducing: My Beautiful Daughter and Her Very Special Heart

I’ve thought about sitting down to write this post about a million times, but I just couldn’t stop crying long enough to actually do it.  I’m crying right now just thinking about it, but I’m plowing ahead.  Here is her story:

 

On Monday, January 21, 2013, at 11:26 am, my beautiful daughter, Olivia Noelle, was born.  It was single-handedly one of the most spectacular moments of my existence. 

 

 

When Luke was born, I was bone-tired from being in labor all day and scared TO DEATH about having an emergency c-section.  He didn’t cry right away and they took care of him in a part of the OR that I couldn’t see and then after letting me give him a quick kiss, they whisked him away to the nursery and I didn’t see him for hours.  (Luke if you’re reading this sometime later in life, you know I love you like crazy, buddy  – I’m just saying that your delivery was different, that’s all.)

 

 

But with her?  Ohhhhh, it was miraculous.  Thanks to a different hospital and different philosophy of birth experience, I was able to watch everything about her first moments – I watched Chris cut the cord, I watched them clean her off, I even got to hold her on my chest in the OR with the help of the nurses (because I was shaking so badly). 

 

 

This girl made my heart want to burst.  I loved Luke from the beginning but I didn’t feel bonded to him right away (I think due to the stress of the situation – again, sweetheart, you know I love you!).  But with Olivia I felt this overwhelming love and gratitude and just all-encompassing peace that our long-awaited-for baby was finally here. 

It was amazing. 

 

 

The nurses described her as “perfect” – her 2 Apgars were 9 and 9, she had a beautiful rosy glow, and no apparent physical disabilities whatsoever.  She checked out fine every time they looked her over.  So for one blissful period of 24 hours, that’s what we believed.  That we had been miraculously given a perfectly healthy daughter, after the scare of an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks, being told she might have Down Syndrome at 13 weeks, and me getting shingles at 35 weeks pregnant. 

 

 

We were both totally mesmerized by her.  I think I told Chris at least 5 times over that first 24-hour period that “I never want anything bad to happen to her, ever.”  From 11:26 am on Monday to about 1:00 pm on Tuesday, we were pretty much blissed out.  We felt so blessed and lucky. 

Then at about 1:00 one of the pediatricians from our local practice came in to do a routine check on Livi.  He finished and I very happily and confidently asked, “So everything’s fine, right?”  (Remember, she’d been checked by nurses every few hours of her life so far and had repeatedly been described as “perfect.”)  I was totally floored when the Dr. said, “Actually, I hear something.”  He told us he heard a heart murmur, but not to worry because lots of kids have them and they often close up naturally.  He ordered some ultrasounds and Chris went with the nurse down to the ultrasound room for about an hour.  (My nurse told me to stay in the room and just take it easy and rest.)

I cried but Chris reassured me not to worry and told me about someone we both knew who had a heart murmur and is basically healthy as horse now.  I thought of that friend and felt calm and told myself it would be fine.   When they finished the tests, they let us know they were sending the results to Yale-New Haven hospital for review and we’d probably know in the morning. 

Chris went home at about 4:00 to spend the night with Luke since kids weren’t allowed in the hospital due to flu season.  We had agreed beforehand he would do that, both for Luke’s sake and because Chris had had a bad cold and we wanted him better as soon as possible for Livi’s sake - so we knew a good night’s sleep was necessary for him. 

My parents, my aunt, and my grandmother all came that early evening.  We talked and laughed and I really enjoyed having them.  We talked about Liv’s heart murmur but we all agreed it would be fine and honestly I wasn’t thinking about it much.  My aunt took my grandmother home, and then my mom had to leave for a hair appointment, so my dad stayed with me for a little while longer, just to keep me company. 

And then abut 6:00 pm, everything went downhill fast.  Three nurses came into the room at the same time, and one of them touched my arm. A nurse I didn’t recognize said, “Jessica, we got the results back from Yale, and I need you to know it’s a lot worse than we thought.  You need to be prepared that your daughter might have to be transferred by ambulance to Yale tonight.” 

And my world stopped and simultaneously started spinning all at the same time. 

They told me they were taking her down to the NICU and the Dr. there would talk to me and I could come down in 15 minutes once they’d hooked her up. 

And then they left with her and left me with information that my brain wasn’t really processing.  My daughter was going to the NICU.  She might have to leave me tonight.  By ambulance.  She had big problems with her heart.  The heart is a vital, huge, crucial, major organ.  This was bad.  This was horrible. This was horrifying.  I will forever, ever, ever be grateful that my dad decided to stay with me that night.  I can’t possibly fathom going through all of that devastating news alone.  I remember crying my eyes out on his shoulder, and then we got on the phone because we knew we needed people on our side.  I called Chris immediately and my dad called the prayer chain for his church.  Chris called his parents soon after hanging up with me and got the prayer chain started at his parents’ church.  He also called our small group, who happened to be meeting that night.  Immediately we had dozens of people praying for our situation. 

We walked down to the NICU – and let me just say that nothing prepares you for seeing your child hooked up to machines and monitors.  It is not a part of the hospital I ever wanted to be in – ever. 

The NICU Dr. came to talk to us and let us know that Olivia had been diagnosed with “Tetralogy of Fallot” – a congenital heart defect that involves 4 problems in the heart.  One of those problems is a hole in the heart, which the pediatrician had correctly heard – except Olivia’s can only close with surgery.  The other problems involve her aorta being in the wrong direction, her pulmonary valve being too small, and one of her ventricular walls being much thicker than the other one. 

The whole time, my head was totally still spinning and I couldn’t stop crying.  Here was my perfect, rosy, beautiful daughter and I was being told that she had all of these very serious problems.  It was incomprehensible to me – not to mention she’d been diagnosed with something I’d never heard of and for pete’s sake couldn’t even remember how to pronounce. 

We waited and waited – all the while expecting her to be transferred to Yale.  And here I was only about 32 hours out from having had a c-section…I could barely walk, much less be discharged to go be with my daughter.  So if she went I wasn’t going to be able to travel with her.  I just begged God over and over to keep her at our hospital so I didn’t have to leave her. 

After about 2  hours, the Dr. said that based on her stats and how amazing she was doing (her oxygen saturation levels in her blood remained at 100%), she was going to be allowed to stay here for the night…but that a team would probably come get her in the morning to bring her down to Yale.  I thanked God for that and called Chris immediately.  My dad left and I stayed with Olivia a little while longer before heading back to my room for the night so I could try to sleep since we had no idea what tomorrow would bring. 

 

 

And so I went back to my hospital room, completely alone, with my baby down in the NICU and my husband at home.  It was basically the worst night of my entire life.  I have never felt more overwhelmed with sadness or more utterly alone.  (I wanted Chris more than anything in the world at that point, but by this time it was about 10 or 10:30 at night and I knew he was fast asleep at home.  I definitely could have called him, but I decided that the best thing for our family would be to let him sleep since we needed him to get better quickly now more than ever.) 

So I called my good friend whose children have had 2 heart surgeries, because I needed to talk to someone who knew what I was feeling.  Then I called Lindsay and talked to her for a while.  And then I was just alone in the dark, crying out to God.  I posted on Facebook our urgent request and the e-mails and comments and messages started flooding in.  That helped SO much – to know that people were praying.  I can truly say that sustained me through the night.  That and the song “Not For a Moment” by Meredith Andrews…I played it over and over and over again. 

I tried to sleep, for Olivia’s sake.  I really did.  Every time I woke up, I would check the tablet to see who had commented to let me know they were praying.  At 5:30 (Wednesday morning now) I couldn’t take it anymore and asked to be wheeled down to see my girl again.  I stayed with her until Chris came at about 7:30 after dropping of Luke at my parents’.  I can’t even describe to you how awful I looked that morning.  No kidding, it looked like I’d been stung by hornets repeatedly around my eyeballs.  They were SO swollen and puffy from no sleep and from crying all night long.  And Chris didn’t look much better. 

 

{Thursday afternoon in the NICU – after a shower and the puffy eyes had *almost* gone away}

And now I’ll try to make this faster!  The Dr. told us she was doing so well she wouldn’t have to be transferred and could stay at our hospital’s NICU (double praise, thank you JESUS!).  We would both be discharged in the morning (Thursday) and travel down to Yale in our own car (no ambulance, hooray!) to meet with a pediatric cardiologist there.  We stayed with her all day and held her non-stop, thanks to the extra-long cords that were monitoring her.  {Although let me just say that one time I moved her and the NICU machine started alarming and I saw something flat-line on the screen.  I thought for sure she was having a heart attack and I had caused it – the nurse came running over to turn the beeping off and just told me I’d bumped the monitor and it happened all the time.  Scariest moment ever! It happened a ton more times after that but that first time was horrifying.}

 

{So happy here because we’re about to be discharged! 
And the nurses wrapped her in that girly quilt
and tied a little bow in her hair – I about died from the cuteness!}

The next day {Thursday} we were both discharged together and traveled to Yale.  She had an EKG done and then we met with her fabulous doctor, Dr. Fahey.  He listened to her heart and looked at all the results and confirmed that she did have Tetralogy of Fallot.  He explained it more in detail to us and let us know that we were definitely facing surgery, most likely at 3 months old.  Because her condition was one of the milder forms of ToF (again, thank you Lord!), she would “only” need one surgery at 3 months (some children need upwards of 8!) and then possibly another one between 8-12 years old if her pulmonary valve was too small to grow with her (and that can only be determined during the first surgery). 

 

{Chris holding Livi while we waited to see Dr. Fahey at Yale}

He assured us that her condition was totally common and very treatable.  He told us that they do several ToF surgeries every month and that these surgeries are “bread and butter” to them.  We learned that she might start to decline a little (as in, her blood might not oxygenate as well over a period of time), but it certainly wasn’t that she was going to turn blue in the middle of the night on us.  She would be monitored repeatedly and her heart would gradually show signs of distress.  In the meantime, though, we don’t have to treat her any differently than any other baby.  He told us repeatedly that once her surgery takes place, she will live a healthy, active, normal life.  I think his exact words were “she can play high school field hockey if she wants.” 

So we got in the car feeling oddly encouraged.  Here we had just learned she would need surgery before the summer came but we had learned that it wasn’t fatal and wouldn’t impact her future quality of life.  We went to pick up Luke from my parents’ house and went home to try to start our lives as a family of four. 

Definitely not how I imagined it, you know? But God knew this would be our story. 

 

 

So here we are.  My daughter has seen her pediatrician 3 times and Dr. Fahey 2 times, all before 3 weeks old.  We’ve gotten a crash course on the heart and say things we never have before, like “pulse ox” and “ventricular septal defect.”  Each day we live with knowing that her surgery is coming and we will have to walk through that.  (She needs to be approximately 13 pounds, so they predict around 3 months old, which puts us at the end of April.) We’ve prayed harder than we ever have before and have learned just how many people are supporting us and continually covering us with prayer.  We’ve had friends tell us their entire churches are praying for us (still).  We had multiple friends post on their FB walls about Olivia and had dozens of people we never met write that they were praying for us. 

We’ve learned that we are the lucky ones.  Some babies don’t survive ToF – their blood never gets enough oxygen.  Some babies, as I said earlier, need multiple surgeries to repair their hearts.  Our girl just needs one. 

 

It’s horrifying and absolutely nerve-wracking for me to think about my precious little girl getting opened up in the OR and having her heart cut open.  I let myself think about it for a little while and then I stop – there’s only so much my own heart can handle.  We pray earnestly for a miracle but as my father-in-law put it, “Sometimes God heals completely by using doctors.”  I was really encouraged by that thought.  God is NOT forsaking us by letting us go through this trial or by choosing to not heal her miraculously. 

Mostly I just pray that she survives the surgery.  I trust the doctors – I mean, it’s Yale! – but they have to bring her back to life, essentially, when they’re done.  I fear that they’ll try to bring her back and she won’t come back to us.  I think about it all the time and it’s this big giant black pit in my stomach.   I am not promised an easy life, and I am not promised a life without sadness, either.  I have no idea what God will do with Olivia’s life.  I do beg Him all the time to let us have a full life with her.  I beg Him to let me be her mommy and to let me raise her.  I beg Him to be merciful and let our girl stay here on earth with us. 

 

 

But usually I force myself to be optimistic. I remind myself of what Dr. Fahey said – that there would have to be an accident (like one of the machines would have to break in the OR) for her to die in surgery.  That this surgery has been happening since the ‘50s and they do it all the time.  That hers is mild.  That my daughter gets to be treated at a prestigious hospital that has a whole team of pediatric cardiologists!  And I remember that my girls’ name is literally being lifted up to God all around the country, continually. 

Mostly we just try to enjoy her and let ourselves be in awe of how beautiful and adorable she is. :)  She is *such* a gift to us and we just treasure her and her precious little life – made even more precious to us now. 

So today she turns four weeks old, and that’s where we are right now.  I simultaneously dread the end of April and also want it over with immediately.  I am ready, as Dr. Fahey said, “for this all to be just a bad memory.” 

I think it did my own heart good to get this out in a post – my underlying prayer, through all of this {besides that Livi stays alive, obviously}, is that God would use me through all of this to be a great testimony for Him.  I want to be a shining light and let others know that God is GOOD and LOVING and MERCIFUL even when life seems to go horribly wrong. 

I know the Lord has a wonderful and perfect plan for my girl’s life! 

 

Moms of 2 or More: How Do You Do It?!

{Ironically, I’ve had this post in my head for weeks and finally sat down to type it last night.  Then this morning I found out that due to steadily increasing high blood pressure for the last 3 straight weeks, my c-section has been bumped up to this Monday morning…as in, less than 72 hours from now!  So I’d definitely appreciate any input as I enter these final days as a mom of one!}

 

Confession:  I truly can’t wrap my head around having two kids. 

It’s not one of those situations that you hear a lot like, “I just can’t imagine how I’m going to love another child when I already love my first child so much” or something like that.  On the contrary – we are soooo in love with this little girl already!  She was such an unexpected gift to us and we already feel so blessed by her presence.  We wanted another child for years and just never expected she would come to us this way.  It also might help that she is a different gender – it’s been SO fun to prepare for a little girl coming and Chris keeps walking around saying, “I just can’t wait to hold my little girl.” ;)

Nope, my issue is more that I seriously can’t picture my everyday life with two kids!  (I mean, I can in the future, but not with a newborn, if that makes sense.)  I mean, it’s been a looooong time – 3 1/2 years – of just me and Luke.  We have a routine and a system.  We want to go somewhere, we go.  He fits easily into a cart at the store and I only have to worry about one set of snacks, one drink, and one bedtime schedule to adhere to. 

He doesn’t take naps anymore (it’s okay – he sleeps great at night), but if I’m tired during the day (aka like now near the end of pregnancy) I lay on the couch next to him while he plays or watches a movie.  He consumes all my time and attention – and it works just fine.  He’s my life during the day!

So I just can’t fathom how this is actually going to work!  I can’t wrap my head around giving two kids my time and attention.  I anticipate feeling like a rubber band, constantly being pulled in opposite directions.  How will I balance it all?  How will I ever go ANYWHERE?!  Will I ever have FIVE minutes to myself again? 

I’m looking for advice here – or words of wisdom, or really anything.  What has worked for you, personally?  Strict schedules?  Just going with the flow?  Everyone has told me that going from 1 to 2 kids is the hardest transition there is, and I believe it.  It’s funny now to look back at having Luke and thinking how hard that was in the beginning…and now realizing what a piece of cake it actually was in retrospect.  I could take a nap or do whatever I wanted when he slept!  Now, on the other hand, if I’m exhausted from being up all night with Livi, I still have to be on my A-game because my preschooler will be wide awake and wanting to play even when she’s napping during the day. 

I’m prepared to hear “It’s really horrible during the transition time.”  Honestly.  (And on the flip side, if it wasn’t a big deal for you, feel free to let me know! ha!) I just want to know what it’s like from moms (and any dads!) who have been there. 

How do you do it?!  Seriously?!  lol

Valentine’s Decor Around My House {2013}

Before I start, let me just say that if good quality photos are important to you, you’re gonna want to skip right over this post from me.  It has been cloudy here for 3 straight days, and since “She was patient” will never be inscribed on my gravestone, I decided to just wing it. 

So cloudy days combined with my cheapo camera combined with my stellar horrible photography skills…well just don’t say I didn’t warn you! :)

I am totally one of those people who’s like, “Oh, I’m having a baby soon?!  Clearly I must do something non-important and totally non-essential to prepare myself well for this life-changing event.”  haha!  I can’t explain why it was so important for me to decorate for Valentine’s Day, but having the house dressed up for the pink holiday somehow makes me able to complete on other, more crucial tasks…you know, like getting a hospital bag ready or putting baby sheets on the crib.  It’s like cleaning the cobwebs from my brain.  So weird but that’s how I’ve always been. 

So here we go!  Everything is super simple, probably thrifted, and mostly pink.  Red looks great in other people’s houses but it is not my color at all so you won’t see it here!

Here’s my “mantel” for Valentine’s:

 

My mom was getting rid of the old milk-glass vases and I thought they would look cute here.  I made the easy rosette out of felt for a pop of pink.

 

 

The “XOXO” is one of my fave TJ Maxx finds ever from years ago and I made the typewriter prints two years ago.  You can’t tell from the picture but they are actually covered with pink translucent paper.  If you are a Moulin Rouge fan you will notice that they are both quotes from songs they sing in the movie – and the typewriter font is a nod to Ewan MacGregror’s character.  “Come What May” was sung at our wedding so I love seeing some of those words printed out!

 

The little birdie is from Target last year and the pink plate was thrifted. 

 

Luke painted this little heart last year and I plan on pulling it out every year until he hates me for it.  haha!

 

Over the computer I made a simple little heart banner using a punch and that adorable wrapping paper from the Dollar Spot at Target this year.  It’s just taped to pink embroidery thread. 

 

I did the same garland for the kitchen chalkboard and added one of our favorite verses to it. 

 

 

The words above the kitchen sink were inspired by a print I saw from Jones Design Company.  Polka dots are so cheerful, aren’t they?! :)

 

 

In the dining room I added this adorable felted-heart ribbon that’s also from the Target Dollar Spot.  They had such cute stuff this year!

 

I finally got to use my pink tablecloth that I found at a church sale last spring!  It might be a little tacky but we do SO much at our kitchen table that having vinyl with a 3-year-old is really a lifesaver.  Oh and I totally know you’re jealous of the Cat in the Hat puzzle.  I contemplated taking it apart but realized it realllllly wasn’t worth it to me.  haha!

 

In our bathroom I just have this little free printable (which I LOVE) and a simple cylinder wrapped in pink tulle and secured with a bobby pin.  And sorry if you’re cringing over the flash – but our bathroom has no windows since it’s in the middle of our house.  Flash was the only way to show you the true colors!

 

Lastly (okay really firstly) is our front door.  I wanted SUPER simple so I just fashioned some simple pink and white felt rosettes and then hot-glued them right to the wreath form.  It’s so simple and I love it.  It got all whited out but you can see the detail in the second picture. 

 

And that’s pretty much it!  I’m happy to have a little bit of pink around the house to enjoy for a while!  And to welcome my baby girl home to in EIGHT DAYS! Whooo!!

 

Linking up with:

DIY: Accomplished @ Homemaker’s Challenge

A Piece of My Past & Giveaway WINNER!

{Scroll down to see giveaway winner and details below.  Yes, I’m mean. haha}

Since I’m a SAHM with no money more time than money, sometimes friends and family will let me peek though their junk piles headed to Goodwill to see if I can find anything to sell on our local Facebook resale sites for a little extra cash (I explained more about those here).  I am SO grateful when people do this – I have made a decent amount of money this way and it seems to be a win-win for everyone! 

Yesterday my mom watched Luke while I was at an OB appointment (TWO! WEEKS! UNTIL! DELIVERY!) and told me she had a bunch of stuff that was headed for Goodwill unless I wanted to look through them.  Ummmm yes please!

Some of it was junk but I did find quite a few things I’m going to try to sell before the baby comes.  But I almost stopped breathing when I saw this little number among some kitchen odds and ends:

 

That’s right, people, this hideously avocado green Tupperware has been a part of my childhood memories as long as I can remember.  I’m pretty sure my mom got it as a shower gift way back in 1983…and it held more tuna salad throughout the 80s and 90s than I can ever recount – somehow that became its life purpose in our family?!  haha

The thought of shipping it off to Goodwill?!  CRAZY.  It will stay a part of my life and my children WILL have memories of it in our fridge and around our house, I’m determined.  This puppy and me are bonded for life. 

Tell them to pot it with flowers at my wake. ;)

Anyone else have something from childhood that brings back memories for you like this?!

 

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Drumroll please! The winner {picked by Rafflecopter} of a FREE print from my sister’s business, Creative Type Designs, is #2 – Kate M!  Woot! 

Congratulations, Kate! And a huge thank you to all who entered!  

PLEASE remember that Jill is offering a 25% coupon code good through this weekend on ANY of the prints in her shop!  And because the prints come directly to you via high-resolution pdf, you can buy it this morning and have it printed and framed in your house TODAY!  Talk about instant gratification!  ;)

One final plug for my sister – she is the real deal, you guys…a real graphic designer with a degree!  She does wedding invitations, save the dates, you name it.  If you’re going to need some professional “paper help” in the near future, definitely consider her!  She’s extremely accommodating and very affordable! 

 

Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!  I’ll be back next week with my VALENTINE’S decor! :)

Creative Type Designs :: A Giveaway for You!

Today I have a very special giveaway for you – a free print designed by my super talented little sister! Jill is one of many college graduates I know who through no fault of their own who simply haven’t been able to find work in her field {she has a B.A. in Graphic Design}.  So she took the bull by the horns and decided to open her own Etsy shop featuring her designs!  I am SO proud of her!  I think she is amazingly talented and I hope to convince you of how awesome she is, too. ;)

Her shop is called Creative Type Designs and she has pre-made items for you to shop from or she is happy to do custom designs for you if you have something special in mind.  Her personal design aesthetic leans more toward the modern but she is more than willing to work with you on fonts and styles of your choice!

 

 

She is super professional and seriously really, really talented.  I think that with the advent of blogs and Pinterest a lot of people have taken on the task of making prints for themselves or others – and while that’s fine if it’s a fun hobby for you, by all means – there is a level of excellence to my sister’s work that I think you’ll notice right away!  {Check out her feedback page to see how happy others have been with her work!}

 

 

For our giveaway today, my sister is offering one of her $14 and under prints to you for FREE!  YAY! :) The print is sent to you via high-resolution PDF and you can print it at your local Staples, Office Max, etc.  (Which means NO shipping and NO waiting for it to come in the mail and NO risk of it getting bent by the postman when he tries to shove a 8x10 print that you’ve been patiently waiting for in your mailbox!  I mean…not that that ever happened to me or anything…lol)

 

 

In addition, ALL of the prints in her shop are 25% off this week (through 5 PM Eastern Time Sunday) using the coupon code “25OFF” if you wanted something custom for your home or if you don’t win. ;) {To apply the coupon code, simply click the print you’d like to buy, then click “Add to Cart,”  then on the right-hand side click “Apply Shop Coupon Code” underneath where it says “Paypal.”}

 

 

Good luck!  The giveaway ends Friday morning at 12 AM Eastern Time.  Please remember that you MUST use the Rafflecopter form below to enter – otherwise your entries won’t count.  I know this is new for some of you so if you have any questions about how it works, please feel free to leave me a separate comment – I’ll check the comments on and off throughout the day and do my best to help! :)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Getting Shingles…And My Mottos for 2013

Oh.my.gosh. what a crazy week and a half this has been for me!  On Christmas Eve (Monday) at 2 in the afternoon, I got a bizarre pain right underneath my eyeball.  I assumed it was a weird headache and took some Tylenol;  it did nothing but we were going out to our family’s annual party so I just sucked it up and figured a good night’s sleep would get rid of it. 

Well…the headache continued straight through Christmas Day and night and then on into the afternoon on Wednesday.  I tried everything – ice, as much Tylenol as I could take being pregnant, having my husband massage it, you name it.  I thought I was getting a weird pregnancy migraine.  Lights hurt my eye and it was so painful.  The pain also traveled – it would be by my temple, then around my eye socket, then by the bridge of nose, then by my forehead.  It was so weird. 

On Wednesday morning I also woke up with a weird rash on my forehead.  It would have looked like dry scaly red skin but I really never get dry skin on my face so I knew that wasn’t it.  I figured I’d either iced too much or had my husband rub it too hard and had given myself a “burn.” 

I finally got in to the OB and they were going to write me a prescription for migraines – but my OB was concerned about the rash.  They hooked me up to a NST and Livi was moving just fine and her heartbeat was perfectly healthy.  He sent me straight to the ER and told me to prepare for an MRI.  At this point I’d had pain for about 50 hours and it was only increasing.  I had to wear glasses because I seriously couldn’t handle having to squint at the lights. I was just praying it was a weird migraine that somehow came up to my skin’s surface and there wasn’t something wrong with my brain. I get really claustrophobic so I was really worried about the MRI and that my doctor was concerned. 

Once there we waited about an hour and a half in the ER waiting room.  I kept telling Chris I didn’t know how I was going to make it because the pain was just escalating.  It was brutal.  Finally they took my back with a wonderful nurse and they put my in my own little room where they could close the door and turn the lights off!  I immediately was started on an IV drip of Benadryl for the rash, Reglan for the headaches, and for some reason oxygen in my nose (still not sure why that was? Pregnancy precaution?).  I started to get reallllly sleepy from the meds and then the doctor came in. 

This was, bar none, the BEST doctor I have ever had IN MY LIFE.  He was phenomenal.  I later learned from the nurse that he is the Medical Director of the ER and everyone loves him because he is so good at teaching and very gentle and calm.  He ROCKED.  He took one look at my forehead and immediately put two and two together for the shingles diagnosis.  I gotta tell you, I did NOT see that coming!  I had mostly heard of elderly people getting it and it was not on my radar at all. 

He told me that unfortunately chickenpox (which I had as a 9 year old) lies dormant in people’s bodies and can reemerge as shingles during times of extreme stress or reduced immunity (aka pregnancy).  I started to cry because I started to panic thinking about Livi coming and Luke at home getting chickenpox from me and what was going to happen to us and on and on and on.  He was so calming and reassured me that it was GOOD to know what I had – it wasn’t some bizarre brain problem.  It wasn’t fun, but it was a solvable problem and had specific medicines to help it, all of which, praise God, were okay for me to take at 35 weeks pregnant.  He actually told me it was the “best time” to get shingles – in 1st trimester the medicines could possibly cause birth defects, and you don’t want to be on the meds when you’re trying to deliver.  He really helped me feel a lot better about the whole thing.  Plus Luke and Chris were most likely totally safe since Luke has had his first dose of the chickenpox vaccine and Chris had it as a little boy. 

He came back about 20 minutes later with a special UV test for my eye to make sure the shingles hadn’t gotten into my cornea – which, thank God, it hadn’t.  I have a serious eye phobia and that possibly may have put me over the edge.  They started me on the 3 medications in the ER and then I was discharged. 

So that was Wednesday night, and here we are Thursday a week later.  Friday and Saturday were probably my worst days.  On Friday the rash had spread (which is normal) and it actually swelled my right eye almost completely shut due to the shingles on my eyelid.  It hurt to move my eye socket AT ALL – yawning, eating, talking, you name it.  That was a REALLY bad day.  As each day has gone on, I’ve made progress little by little.  I ran out of pain meds but thankfully I haven’t had to even supplement with Tylenol – it’s been very tolerable the last few days. 

 

 

The pain of shingles is so weird – it literally travels along one nerve path so it’s isolated in one spot of the body, and mine just happened to travel down my scalp and forehead to my eyelid.  It has felt like anything from a throbbing pain to a dull ache to tingling to literally feeling like raindrops are falling on my skin.  Now that I am in the healing phase, it is itching like crazy as the sores start to crust (sorry, gross, I know – thank God they never oozed, though!). 

Having it around my eye has definitely been a mixed blessing.  On the one hand, I never had to worry about clothing covering it on my worst and most painful days – couldn’t have imagined that at all.  On the other hand, not being able to use my eye for a number of days was really hard.  I also can’t “mask” my shingles – it’s hard to wash my hair since they’re on my scalp line, and putting on makeup is definitely out of the question so I’ve been staying home due to that and the fact that the medicines have made me super tired and out of it. 

I took my last dose of the anti-viral this morning and tomorrow I take my last steroid pill (to help with the swelling around my eye).  I feel so much better today – I am getting a little anxious to get my life back and look like myself again, though!  I’m also looking forward to getting better sleep as the meds mess with your sleep and give you super bizarre dreams, plus I had to wake up at 2:45 every morning to take them (add to that that I’m now 36 weeks pregnant and already have crazy hormone dreams plus I have to get up two times a night to go to the bathroom – yeah, I’ve been beyond exhausted!). 

Chris has been amazing through all of this, as he always is in times of crisis.  Up until yesterday I cried one time each day just to let out all the stress (although crying was really hard for a while so that sometimes hurt more!).  I was really looking forward to the holiday week to get a bunch of stuff checked off our list before Livi came and that just didn’t happen.  I had no choice but to just roll with it.  And now I have the fear that I’ll still look like a freak of nature when I have my baby girl, but we have 3 weeks before she comes so I’m hoping the scars heal quickly!  I am so thankful for him though and the calming influence he always is on me and how he always reminds me to focus on God and take it one hour at a time if necessary.  I love him!

I am looking forward to driving again (hopefully tomorrow!) and being able to hug and kiss Luke and Chris normally again (once the sores are completely scabbed over – I’m almost there!).  I know it sounds silly but I just want to do my hair and put makeup on again and feel like a girl and not a hot mess!  I’m really excited about it. 

This forced slow-down for 11 days (and counting!) has made me think a lot about my goals for 2013.  I do a lot better with one-or-two word phrases than I do with actual resolutions, so I came up with two phrases for 2013:

 

Survive and thrive

&

Embrace the unexpected

 

The first one is because I’ll have a newborn in just three short weeks and it’s my first time being a mom to 2 kids!  I have no idea what to expect but for the first several months I’m just giving myself grace to just get through the days.  Come springtime, I’ll hopefully have a good schedule in place and I can start working on more detailed family goals and schedules – but for the first few months I just need to make it through the days – and that’s okay! :)  There is time for everything to fall into place and that doesn’t need to be 2 weeks after delivery. 

The 2nd motto goes along with the first – a reminder to me to just roll with the punches.  There will be a lot of things that will probably be crazy about my new life as mom of two and I want to let peace guide my life – not stress or worry. 

I saw a great quote the other day on a blog that said “Just do today” and I LOVED it.  What a great mantra for moms, right?  Except I know that I’m nothing without God’s help so I wrote “Just do today with Jesus” on my kitchen chalkboard.  It’s like a breath of fresh air for me to see that phrase since the kitchen’s in the middle of our house and I’m in here all the time (even our computer’s in the kitchen so I’m literally here right now.)  lol

I know this was super long and more power to you if you stayed with it!  I wrote about it in my pregnancy journal but I also wanted to write my memories in one spot, too. 

Hopefully you’ve all had MUCH better weeks than I have! ;)

Christmas Tour of Homes {2012}

{Before I start, let me just say that there is no easy or classy way to transition from the horrific events of last week to a “normal” blog posting routine again.  My mommy and teacher heart is still grieving for those families and the intense suffering they are going through.  I posted on Facebook last week that even though there is unspeakable evil in the world, I believe that the light of God shines brightest in the darkness.  Over the past week, I have seen SO many amazing stories and videos and pictures of people doing wonderful things and coming together in the face of this horror.  Prayers are still with all of those still in mourning.}

And because there is really no good way to do it…I’m just going to dive right into this post. 

I’m a day late and a dollar short to these Christmas parties, but oh well!  This is what happens when you’re 8 months pregnant at Christmas – some things just don’t get done quickly.  Okay make that nothing gets done quickly.  haha!

This year I left more than half of my decorations in the boxes.  My mind just craved uncluttered and simple.  Plus my smart husband reminded me that whatever I took out of the box would need to be put back into the box even closer to my delivery date.  Smart, smart man! ;)

Some of these pictures you already saw in my “mantel” post, but I figured I’ll show them again here so they’re in once concise spot.  Oh and if you’re new here, nearly everything in my house is from the thrift store! It’s the only way I can afford anything my favorite way to shop. 

Come on in! :)

Here is our “hutch” {aka dresser} in our “entryway”  {aka living room} – I love to make things sound fancier than they are, apparently! ;)

 

Another shot you saw previously…this is on top of the mini bookcase in the living room.

 

If you’d like to see more details on my “mantels,” including links to the burlap trees and the ornament garlands I made, you can hop on over here. 

 

The little tree in front of the window is actually from JoAnn’s this year.  Those brassy deer were a yard sale find years ago and I still love them.

 

I took some embroidery thread and hung some gold snowflakes along the front window to add a little sparkle. 

 

One of my favorite finds: my $5 Pottery Barn mercury-glass tree.  I filled the old canning jar with 2 packs of jingle bells from the Dollar Tree. 

 

Still love my little Goodwill pillow from a few years ago!  So cute. :)

 

Our tree has NO topper this year because of my two choices of bows from years past, neither one appealed to me.  Weird, I know..but that’s how it is for 2012.  We got a Fraser fir (I think that’s what it’s called?) for the first time and we love the way it smells AND the fact that its soft needles aren’t scary for our son to touch (he has sensory issues and this tree has been awesome for him this year!).  Oh and if it looks like it’s balding and lopsided, you’re totally right – he keeps jacking the ornaments left and right!  haha

 

I am loving my sweet little boy’s school ornaments this year!  I am totally a sentimental mom and I will be displaying these every year until they fall apart on me! 

 

 

We made salt dough ornaments together, too. He had so much fun helping me cut them out and then paint them. I love that he calls them “bunamints.”

 

His little corner.  :) I know the frames might seem a little tacky but I think they’re cute! A little red tree holds the coasters. 

 

A little chalkboard sign I made above our kitchen sink – yup, the words are starting to run and I haven’t fixed it yet! :)

 

On the kitchen island…aren’t those vintage ornaments super cute?  Church sale find!  :) Oh and those candle holders are EMPTY because I never got around to finding candles to fit them.  Are you starting to feel better about yourself yet?!  haha

 

This year I decided to hang our cards over my chalkboard.  It’s a little cluttered looking, but I really like it.  The twine was 30 cents from Target clearance this fall and the clothespins you’ve seen before on here  - Michaels!  The ornament garland I made last year. 

 

 

Moving on to the bathroom…this chalkboard print was a free printable!  I liked keeping this display pretty neutral. 

 

My little vintage enamelware bowl filled with more of the vintage ornaments and pinecones. 

 

 

Keeping it real:  I took down the fall leaves from my homemade wreath and put nothing back in their place.  So now I have a brown wreath hanging from a brown burlap strip on a brown front door.  If that doesn’t scream happy holidays, I just don’t know what does, people!  lol!

 

And last but not least, our Christmas card this year! 

 

Merry Christmas to all of you – and thanks for visiting this pregnant girl’s house! :)